11.22.2009
Game Time
My sister got me in to this one game called Bubble Spinner. Now I must introduce her to Nanotube. I can't get past level 5....yet.
Après l'orage
So if you can tell from my last post, Ayo and I are no longer whatever it is we were, beyond the point of friends anyway. Long distance loves that have never had the chance to be immersed in our love of each other. It was hard on both of us and in the back of my mind I often wondered when the yellow bricks would end, when one or both of us would be tired of the effort and unintended hurt. I didn't think it was going to happen so soon, but in a way it's better that it did. He gets my kudos for making the first move even though it shifted my world. I will always be here for him, and I hope he knows that. He often uses a road for symbolism, a clear beginning and end with a few pit stops in between. I prefer a field with a nice breeze that kicks up at random times. No clear beginning and no defined end, just rolling around, exploring, and wandering off in to the forest when the flowers start to wilt.
So off I go, deep in the trees, content within the dark shadows cast by my huge guardians kissing the sky above me. I see a clearing ahead, rays of bright warmth peeking through, bouncing around in search of my attention. I head towards it trying to abandon the hurt and mistrust of the past. I'm standing at the edge of a new field, still protected by the trees around me. Jasmine and bergamot intertwine with the wind blowing past me, seducing me with thoughts of a new love. I step out of the forest, my bare feet kissed by the lush grass. I reach down and pluck a tender bud and breathe in the scent of a new possibility.
I'm wary of stepping in all the way. Afraid of the hope and possibilities that are calling to me. I take a seat at the edge; A purgatory of field and forest. For now I'll stay guarded by the oaks that surround me, although I know that it won't be long before the sunlight blinds my sense.
So off I go, deep in the trees, content within the dark shadows cast by my huge guardians kissing the sky above me. I see a clearing ahead, rays of bright warmth peeking through, bouncing around in search of my attention. I head towards it trying to abandon the hurt and mistrust of the past. I'm standing at the edge of a new field, still protected by the trees around me. Jasmine and bergamot intertwine with the wind blowing past me, seducing me with thoughts of a new love. I step out of the forest, my bare feet kissed by the lush grass. I reach down and pluck a tender bud and breathe in the scent of a new possibility.
I'm wary of stepping in all the way. Afraid of the hope and possibilities that are calling to me. I take a seat at the edge; A purgatory of field and forest. For now I'll stay guarded by the oaks that surround me, although I know that it won't be long before the sunlight blinds my sense.
11.14.2009
Remplacé
I'm standing on a ledge. My heart beating so hard that my rib cage vibrates with anger.
You were content to stand in the shadows, at times fading in to the darkness. Eventually you put me in a box and walked away, and all was well. Until one day I got out of the box and stood in front of you, the light of full disclosure showing all of me, both good and evil. We stood on our respective sides separated by a panel of bulletproof glass. I put my palm to the glass and you met mine with yours. The electricity kick started the hope that lied dormant in my heart.
It was never clear to either of us where, or even what we were. We both had our own private thoughts and dreams of what we could be. The knot that tied it together was our hope of a similar future, together.
Our situation was complicated yet simple. We knew what we weren't, but not what we were. So I understand that it was hard for you, because it was hard for me. We were in the same boat, just not the same ocean. We both knew that if we tried to make it more than what it was, it wouldn't be good for either of us. There were gray areas, and neither of us liked that.
You wanted to know all, I wanted to know nothing. You wanted me to share things with you, even if it tarnished my exterior. I did as you asked because I respected you, and even though I didn't want to, I told you everything. You chose to know about it all, even if they meant nothing to me. I asked that you only tell me about other people in your life if they meant something to you, or had the potential to mean something. If you were going to invest your emotions with someone else, then I knew I would have to fade away and let you pursue, not missing any chances in your life on account of my own selfish reasons.
I knew that I wouldn't invest my emotions in anyone because they weren't you, you completely had my heart. I had no desire to give them that part of me. Yes I am comfortable with my sexual side. Not only that, but I can differentiate between physical and psychological. I can satisfy my carnal urges without involving my soul. You don't understand that, and have no desire to.
But I stayed there, respecting your requests, even though they brought about your final decision to put me back in a box, this time with overnight postage. Our knot completely frayed and unraveled.
When you told me that you found someone else to invest your time in, the bulletproof glass no longer protected me. There was no more light, and my hope floated away. Instead of trying to search my soul in efforts to find out what exactly went wrong, I decided to let go just like you. I did nothing wrong, I stood there and let you pick me apart and divulged information that hurt you, but with reasoning that mirrors my belief in complete honesty. I did what you asked, and it still backfired.
You don't understand my silence, and I don't understand your desire to continue trying to speak. You made your decision to protect your heart, at the price of mine. You decided to turn away, so I did only what was necessary to keep my soul alive. I'm not going to stand here alone anymore. I understand why you don't want to do this anymore, I understand that you can't deal with my actions. Yet you don't seem to comprehend my survival mode. And instead of leaving it alone, you felt it necessary to continue to explain your pain and heartache, but that horse died a long time ago.
Then when I decide to fight back, you take shots aimed directly at my heart. No, you aren't USMC, Signal20, or SugarCrystals; you are worse. You were my hope at something that I crave. I was building dreams around you, expecting to fulfill them one day. But I should have known you weren't going to fight for us or for me. So when you decided to walk away from me, I did the only thing that I could, which is walk away as well.
I'm stepping off the ledge and I'm walking the fcuk away. You've deleted me before...shouldn't be so hard this time eh?
You were content to stand in the shadows, at times fading in to the darkness. Eventually you put me in a box and walked away, and all was well. Until one day I got out of the box and stood in front of you, the light of full disclosure showing all of me, both good and evil. We stood on our respective sides separated by a panel of bulletproof glass. I put my palm to the glass and you met mine with yours. The electricity kick started the hope that lied dormant in my heart.
It was never clear to either of us where, or even what we were. We both had our own private thoughts and dreams of what we could be. The knot that tied it together was our hope of a similar future, together.
Our situation was complicated yet simple. We knew what we weren't, but not what we were. So I understand that it was hard for you, because it was hard for me. We were in the same boat, just not the same ocean. We both knew that if we tried to make it more than what it was, it wouldn't be good for either of us. There were gray areas, and neither of us liked that.
You wanted to know all, I wanted to know nothing. You wanted me to share things with you, even if it tarnished my exterior. I did as you asked because I respected you, and even though I didn't want to, I told you everything. You chose to know about it all, even if they meant nothing to me. I asked that you only tell me about other people in your life if they meant something to you, or had the potential to mean something. If you were going to invest your emotions with someone else, then I knew I would have to fade away and let you pursue, not missing any chances in your life on account of my own selfish reasons.
I knew that I wouldn't invest my emotions in anyone because they weren't you, you completely had my heart. I had no desire to give them that part of me. Yes I am comfortable with my sexual side. Not only that, but I can differentiate between physical and psychological. I can satisfy my carnal urges without involving my soul. You don't understand that, and have no desire to.
But I stayed there, respecting your requests, even though they brought about your final decision to put me back in a box, this time with overnight postage. Our knot completely frayed and unraveled.
When you told me that you found someone else to invest your time in, the bulletproof glass no longer protected me. There was no more light, and my hope floated away. Instead of trying to search my soul in efforts to find out what exactly went wrong, I decided to let go just like you. I did nothing wrong, I stood there and let you pick me apart and divulged information that hurt you, but with reasoning that mirrors my belief in complete honesty. I did what you asked, and it still backfired.
You don't understand my silence, and I don't understand your desire to continue trying to speak. You made your decision to protect your heart, at the price of mine. You decided to turn away, so I did only what was necessary to keep my soul alive. I'm not going to stand here alone anymore. I understand why you don't want to do this anymore, I understand that you can't deal with my actions. Yet you don't seem to comprehend my survival mode. And instead of leaving it alone, you felt it necessary to continue to explain your pain and heartache, but that horse died a long time ago.
Then when I decide to fight back, you take shots aimed directly at my heart. No, you aren't USMC, Signal20, or SugarCrystals; you are worse. You were my hope at something that I crave. I was building dreams around you, expecting to fulfill them one day. But I should have known you weren't going to fight for us or for me. So when you decided to walk away from me, I did the only thing that I could, which is walk away as well.
I'm stepping off the ledge and I'm walking the fcuk away. You've deleted me before...shouldn't be so hard this time eh?
10.30.2009
Essai d'un, deux, trois!
*Warning Twist!!*
So RubaDub and his douche self texted me on Wednesday to see if I wanted to meet up. Suuure why not. However, he has recently acquired a "girlfriend". He didn't tell me this, but his MySpace is a great indicator, and hers even moreso. Soooo being the Highly Qualified Man Whore Tester that I am, I decided to wear a shirt that allowed his eyes access to his favorite assets of mine. We had a drink, then Ginger [Fav female Bartender] gave us some shots...that fucked me up in about 2 minutes after consumption. They were called a zipperhead, and I felt like a fcukin zipperhead the next day.
So after that I decided to see what I could get away with. He definitely kissed me like he wasn't "in a relationship" or "in LOVE baby"[status update :)]. I didn't gain anything from this really, but reaffirmation that as long as you serve it up, a man will eat it up with no questions asked. Maybe he isn't that serious about her, or maybe he just doesn't feel guilty since there are no emotional ties between us. Oh wells, not myproblem penis =)
So RubaDub and his douche self texted me on Wednesday to see if I wanted to meet up. Suuure why not. However, he has recently acquired a "girlfriend". He didn't tell me this, but his MySpace is a great indicator, and hers even moreso. Soooo being the Highly Qualified Man Whore Tester that I am, I decided to wear a shirt that allowed his eyes access to his favorite assets of mine. We had a drink, then Ginger [Fav female Bartender] gave us some shots...that fucked me up in about 2 minutes after consumption. They were called a zipperhead, and I felt like a fcukin zipperhead the next day.
So after that I decided to see what I could get away with. He definitely kissed me like he wasn't "in a relationship" or "in LOVE baby"[status update :)]. I didn't gain anything from this really, but reaffirmation that as long as you serve it up, a man will eat it up with no questions asked. Maybe he isn't that serious about her, or maybe he just doesn't feel guilty since there are no emotional ties between us. Oh wells, not my
10.25.2009
Seulement
Here goes the lonely hearted girl...
I have been single for 3 months. It has been pretty interesting. I still miss Signal20, I still want to cry when I think about texting him, or how it all blew up in my face. Pretty pathetic, I know. I really do want a relationship with someone, but I know that being single isn't as bad as getting your heart crushed.
I deleted my online dating profile. I haven't been casually dating or fcuking. I talk to guys at the bar, and then I walk out before they have the chance to ask for my number. I have a few friends that want to hang out and/or feel me up, but they aren't anyone I actually want to be with. And instead of my usual use&abuse, I'd rather stay away.
SugarCrystals: Yes, the NY psycho that blew up at me because I told him that I wasn't looking for anything more than friends. He now wants to date casually, and still see me and all that bullcaca. I don't know what that whole "date casually" means. I'm guessing it is what I would have been fine with before, no commitments/no pressure. I'm pretty sure that after I blow him off a couple of times, he'll tell me fcuk off again. Gladly Dear Sir!
RubADub: Last year I thought that him and I were really compatible. Lately I realize that is not the case. We are compatible on a few levels, and we always have a great NSA friendship. We haven't had "relations" since last year, but we still have meaningless drunken kisses. We hang out, go our separate ways and that's about it. However lately I've noticed that he is way self centered. How I didn't realize it before, I have no clue. It also doesn't help that he's been a douche the last couple of times I talked to him. I posted on my FB that I was upset about the Dodgers being behind in the game. Then he asked if I was going to our usual spot. I said I would if they lost, he asked me like once or twice more. After they lost I said I was going, after he asked me more than once, after I figured he would meet up for a drink or two, he tells me - Oh have fun! WTF?! Why did you even ask? Two days later I posted "What are we doing tonight"; a general question to the masses. He replied with something like "yeah, what are we going to do". I texted him to see what was up, he said, oh not tonight. I replied with a "whatevs", then he says "don't be like that". OoooKay. Needless to say...I'm fcukin over it.
Zino: I've known him since Highschool. I started having fun with him around the time that I met Signal20. And we all know what happened after that. He's not a bad guy really, but I just think he's still a little immature. And he tries too hard...which is a super annoying trait that I have a hard time dealing with.
BigTymer: I hung out with him a couple weeks ago. He was trying too hard as usual [blah]. Then he was asking me why I didn't want to see him more and going down a path that I really didn't want to go down. I told him that I don't trust him and that he doesn't know me. Whoops, guess I didn't take in to consideration how one would exactly take that. He looked kinda wounded, but it's the truth, and I can't help it that I want to be honest with him [and everyone else for that matter]. I think that him and I could actually get along, but I know the industry he's in is not the greatest for people trying to be in a committed relationship. I also don't think he wants to put in the effort in really getting to know me, and I can deal with that, but don't act like I should drop my panties for you when you don't even know who I really am.
That is about it as far as random dudes in my life who make it easier for me to be single:) I know that I want a relationship, and eventually something more solid. It just seems like it's hard to find a guy that really wants that as well. I was talking with Trini yesterday and we've both come to the realization that it's just not worth the energy to look for someone when we could focus that same energy in to ourselves. I know that I have a lot of things that I need to get in order in my own life, it's a lot easier to do that without a boyfriend. My spare time and energy goes in to my life, not someone else's. It does help that I realize that, but I'm still a girl who just wants to be loved.
Then there is Ayo. I think having him on the technological wavelengths helps me out on a few levels, but fcuks with me on one. I get all the texty/phone convo/online luv that makes me smile [mostly]. But I've already opened up a secret entrance for him, and giving him access to that part scares the fcuk outta me. If he came to me with a ring and a promise at 5 am tomorrow morning, in the time that it would take for a marriage license, we would be man and wife. I don't know what it is that connects us, but I just feel like he would really love me. Call me a sucka ;)
I don't know where my life is going. It wouldn't help any even if I did know. I'm taking it in little strides, trying to fix my prior fcuk ups and prevent new ones. We all have our share of downfalls, and I'm not done falling down. In the end, wherever I end up, I'll be just fine.
I have been single for 3 months. It has been pretty interesting. I still miss Signal20, I still want to cry when I think about texting him, or how it all blew up in my face. Pretty pathetic, I know. I really do want a relationship with someone, but I know that being single isn't as bad as getting your heart crushed.
I deleted my online dating profile. I haven't been casually dating or fcuking. I talk to guys at the bar, and then I walk out before they have the chance to ask for my number. I have a few friends that want to hang out and/or feel me up, but they aren't anyone I actually want to be with. And instead of my usual use&abuse, I'd rather stay away.
SugarCrystals: Yes, the NY psycho that blew up at me because I told him that I wasn't looking for anything more than friends. He now wants to date casually, and still see me and all that bullcaca. I don't know what that whole "date casually" means. I'm guessing it is what I would have been fine with before, no commitments/no pressure. I'm pretty sure that after I blow him off a couple of times, he'll tell me fcuk off again. Gladly Dear Sir!
RubADub: Last year I thought that him and I were really compatible. Lately I realize that is not the case. We are compatible on a few levels, and we always have a great NSA friendship. We haven't had "relations" since last year, but we still have meaningless drunken kisses. We hang out, go our separate ways and that's about it. However lately I've noticed that he is way self centered. How I didn't realize it before, I have no clue. It also doesn't help that he's been a douche the last couple of times I talked to him. I posted on my FB that I was upset about the Dodgers being behind in the game. Then he asked if I was going to our usual spot. I said I would if they lost, he asked me like once or twice more. After they lost I said I was going, after he asked me more than once, after I figured he would meet up for a drink or two, he tells me - Oh have fun! WTF?! Why did you even ask? Two days later I posted "What are we doing tonight"; a general question to the masses. He replied with something like "yeah, what are we going to do". I texted him to see what was up, he said, oh not tonight. I replied with a "whatevs", then he says "don't be like that". OoooKay. Needless to say...I'm fcukin over it.
Zino: I've known him since Highschool. I started having fun with him around the time that I met Signal20. And we all know what happened after that. He's not a bad guy really, but I just think he's still a little immature. And he tries too hard...which is a super annoying trait that I have a hard time dealing with.
BigTymer: I hung out with him a couple weeks ago. He was trying too hard as usual [blah]. Then he was asking me why I didn't want to see him more and going down a path that I really didn't want to go down. I told him that I don't trust him and that he doesn't know me. Whoops, guess I didn't take in to consideration how one would exactly take that. He looked kinda wounded, but it's the truth, and I can't help it that I want to be honest with him [and everyone else for that matter]. I think that him and I could actually get along, but I know the industry he's in is not the greatest for people trying to be in a committed relationship. I also don't think he wants to put in the effort in really getting to know me, and I can deal with that, but don't act like I should drop my panties for you when you don't even know who I really am.
That is about it as far as random dudes in my life who make it easier for me to be single:) I know that I want a relationship, and eventually something more solid. It just seems like it's hard to find a guy that really wants that as well. I was talking with Trini yesterday and we've both come to the realization that it's just not worth the energy to look for someone when we could focus that same energy in to ourselves. I know that I have a lot of things that I need to get in order in my own life, it's a lot easier to do that without a boyfriend. My spare time and energy goes in to my life, not someone else's. It does help that I realize that, but I'm still a girl who just wants to be loved.
Then there is Ayo. I think having him on the technological wavelengths helps me out on a few levels, but fcuks with me on one. I get all the texty/phone convo/online luv that makes me smile [mostly]. But I've already opened up a secret entrance for him, and giving him access to that part scares the fcuk outta me. If he came to me with a ring and a promise at 5 am tomorrow morning, in the time that it would take for a marriage license, we would be man and wife. I don't know what it is that connects us, but I just feel like he would really love me. Call me a sucka ;)
I don't know where my life is going. It wouldn't help any even if I did know. I'm taking it in little strides, trying to fix my prior fcuk ups and prevent new ones. We all have our share of downfalls, and I'm not done falling down. In the end, wherever I end up, I'll be just fine.
Sunday Somethings
*So I was completely sad this week when the Dodgers lost the Division Series. No World Series for us :( It was horrible though, the Phillies were up by 4 and in the 8th inning, the Dodgers looked like they just didn't give a shit anymore. Way to go team! Maybe next year...now I just gotta find a football team to get in to.
*I think Ladybug has the flu. I'm hoping it isn't the H1N1, but if it is I know she will be fine. I feel bad for the little thing, she is such a trooper when she doesn't feel good. I'll be taking her to the doc's in the morning I'm sure.
*If I can, I think I'm going to go to part time for school. This full time gig is a bit much, and I can get the same amount of work done in half the day, instead of sitting there all morning.
*We are getting in to cuddle season, and I have nobody.
*The people that do want to cuddle [and grope] are pretty uninteresting and not worth the time and effort. I want more than the physical, and I don't want it with them. So I'm pretty sure I'll be cuddling with Domo for a while.
*Life can be cruel and funny at the same time.
*I was so super fucking excited that Ladybug fell for the trap. She wanted to be stankin ass Hannah Montana for Halloween. I took her to the Disney Store, and she got the Princess Jasmine costume. Not only is it what I wanted, but all the costumes were half off!! Had I bought the costume 3 weeks ago, I would have been super pissed, that's a $50 outfit [for a 4 yr old]!!
*I also go her a black wig, super funny. I just need to find her the jewelry and headband/crown that look like Jasmine's. Oh and shoes. They had the cutest pointy toed shoes, but the biggest size they had was too small :(
*I just realized that my holidays are going to be super lonely. I won't go to the family functions due to certain two-faced lying bitch, and I have no lover to hang out with. Ladybug will probably go to Georgia for Winter vacation. Soooo, yeah, pretty f'in lonely.
*I can't wait to get the hell outta Florida...
*I think Ladybug has the flu. I'm hoping it isn't the H1N1, but if it is I know she will be fine. I feel bad for the little thing, she is such a trooper when she doesn't feel good. I'll be taking her to the doc's in the morning I'm sure.
*If I can, I think I'm going to go to part time for school. This full time gig is a bit much, and I can get the same amount of work done in half the day, instead of sitting there all morning.
*We are getting in to cuddle season, and I have nobody.
*The people that do want to cuddle [and grope] are pretty uninteresting and not worth the time and effort. I want more than the physical, and I don't want it with them. So I'm pretty sure I'll be cuddling with Domo for a while.
*Life can be cruel and funny at the same time.
*I was so super fucking excited that Ladybug fell for the trap. She wanted to be stankin ass Hannah Montana for Halloween. I took her to the Disney Store, and she got the Princess Jasmine costume. Not only is it what I wanted, but all the costumes were half off!! Had I bought the costume 3 weeks ago, I would have been super pissed, that's a $50 outfit [for a 4 yr old]!!
*I also go her a black wig, super funny. I just need to find her the jewelry and headband/crown that look like Jasmine's. Oh and shoes. They had the cutest pointy toed shoes, but the biggest size they had was too small :(
*I just realized that my holidays are going to be super lonely. I won't go to the family functions due to certain two-faced lying bitch, and I have no lover to hang out with. Ladybug will probably go to Georgia for Winter vacation. Soooo, yeah, pretty f'in lonely.
*I can't wait to get the hell outta Florida...
10.18.2009
Dia de los Muertos
So last night I went over to my Aunt M's house to get out of the hectic ass house I'm staying in at the moment. Then Ladybug decided she wanted to stay there. So back to crazyville I went. It was homecoming for Toxic's daughter Bean. After the dance they were going to throw a house party. I had to get up for work at 6:30am and I knew I was going to be a big ball of fcuk you if I stayed in the room listening to the bass bump the walls. Then a friend of mine posted on their FB that they were having a costume/masquerade party. 5 minutes later I decided to go. I want to do a complete Dia de los Muertos [Day of the Dead] costume for Halloween day, and I figured this would be a great chance to practice.I don't think this was a bad start. I can't wait to do a whole outfit and then come in to work on Halloween like that. I might paint a white face mask instead, because having your whole face in makeup is NOT the bizness. Especially while trying to drink a beer :D
I went to the party knowing only the person who posted the invite. I am so very sucky at trying to mingle with people I don't know. I can honestly say, I put the most effort in to my costume. Everyone else just had stupid masks and feather masks. There was also a whole lot of "who's that!" going on. I left at 1am, and the house party [@ Toxic's]got shut down at 3am. I was pretty excited about that.
Now I gotta figure out Ladybug's costume and it's all good.
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